Sun Powered: Living with SAD
Once a friend of mine told me laughing “you’re sun-powered”.
This was the most accurate description of me ever.
I viscerally need sun. I’m like a cat, and if there is one spot of sun on a couch, I will curl up in that spot (and purr). When I’m sitting in the sun, not even R could make me feel down. On sunny days, I basically feel like I can conquer the world.
Unfortunately, when it’s not sunny, I just swing between morosity and gloom, unable to bring myself to achieve anything.
I have SAD, or Seasonal Affective Disorder. Like many people, when I first heard about SAD I thought something along the line of “come one, that’s just a bunch of whiners. Just shake it off and get on with the work.” Yes, a fabulous example of open-mindedness, as you can see. I thought this mostly because I felt that way too, and if I could recollect myself to try and achieve one thing in the day, so could people with SAD. After all, everybody feels better when it’s sunny and warm, right? Calling it SAD is just looking for excuses.
Well, SADly, not quite.
My story with SAD:
It took me a long time to acknowledge that what I felt was not completely normal, and that it really wasn’t like what most people feel on a cloudy day. I grew up near Lyon, where most days are sunny days, even in the winter (freezing, but sunny). I really realised how bad things were for me when I moved to Cambridge, in the middle of winter. I didn’t see a clear sky for the first 2 weeks. I was absolutely miserable, and I was forced to accept the SADness of suffering from SAD.
For some reason I thought moving to Scotland would not be a problem with SAD. Luckily for me, Edinburgh is relatively sunny, and definitely less cloudy than the West coast. Still, my mental health mostly relies on south-facing rooms (honestly, I absolutely always know where the south is), and, for the darker days, on an absolutely gigantic SAD lamp my wonderful supervisor gave me.
What SAD feels like:
See what PMS feels like (the mood, not the cramps)? Well that’s basically what I feel if I haven’t been in the sun for more than 3 days.
The social side: Depressed, don’t want to see anyone, convinced that nobody would enjoy my (current) company anyway.
The work side: Still depressed, don’t want to do anything, convinced I don’t have the energy or the skills to achieve anything anyway.
The general health side: Only crêpes will ever truly understand me. Crêpes, and my pillow.
The side effects: Feeling like this for a couple of days once a month for PMS is one thing. Feeling like this for days at a time, for 5 months, is another. After a couple of weeks, actual fatigue arrives because of the disturbed sleep and diet and lack of exercise, the anxiety linked with the realisation you’re so behind schedule on your work, the shame of seeing your friends have fun while you’re just a SAD marmot, and the remorse of not managing to overcome SAD like the successful adult you’re supposed to be.
This is the reality of SAD (for me. Other people can feel it differently) and if natural selection was still doing its job on Homo Sapiens, I’d never pass on my genes (or at least not in Scotland).
Now, what can you do to soften the SAD blow?
If you have SAD: Say it. Say how it feels like for you. Seek the sun as much as you possibly can. If the sun is nowhere to be found, get a SAD lamp. Natural selection will take care of naturally selecting your friends who can support you during the darker months.
If you know someone with SAD: Tell them it’s fine to have SAD. Be patient with them because verbalising the reality of SAD (meaning, saying more than “I feel a bit down”) is hard. They might never go that far, and it’s fine, don’t make them. Just give them all the sun you possibly can, or a SAD lamp. Surround them with colours and warmth. Help them go out, or just spend the evening with them, crêpes, and a good movie.
SAD is not a silly new condition that lazy people use as an excuse to be apathetic. SAD is actually quite an amazing proof of our animality and a reminder that Humans are still very susceptible to their environment.
When your mental health is closely linked with the surrounding sunlight, it can be extremely challenging to function properly during a third of the year. Luckily, kind and loving people are here for you.
And personally, I grew to love the idea of being sun-powered.
Sincerely,
-Bérengère
