Struggles and Victories
This is the most spontaneous post I’ve written so far. I’m in full write up mode, and so overwhelmed by literally everything I didn’t think I would write one this month, for lack of time, and ideas, and time to think about ideas. But something just hit me, and I felt it could be useful for some people out there.
As I said, I’m writing up. The time has come to pack up all the mess I’ve done over the last 3.5 years into a big book. I designed the thesis plan months ago, which was dreadful at the time, but retrospectively extremely useful. To fight off writer’s block (if anyone has tips about that, please, send my way, because it’s an absolute pain) at the moment I’m focusing on the easiest parts: methods and results. Tonight, I’m updating a methods section I had (painfully, we are talking tears and eczema) written for a registered report more than 2 years ago.
First, I want to say to 2-years-ago me that girl, I love you so much for having written that, because you are saving my life today. I am re-reading it, and I’m so proud of you. Sure, some things you had planned didn’t quite work out, and some steps had to be changed, but you’ve made my work so much easier now! Sure, I have to change some of it, but when facing a blank discussion page, starting by retracing your steps is a wonderful help.
Second, as I was re-reading and adding some details to this terribly long methods section, something just hit me: I have accomplished SO MUCH! I mean, I was aware I had worked a lot, and I had learned about loads of techniques and aspects of research, and I had gathered a lot of data. But somehow, until this very sudden realisation, it was all merged into one single gigantic miserable journey of going from one struggle to the next. I was aware of the amount of work I had done because I was aware of the incredible amount of struggles and misery (and the diversity of it, because in an interdisciplinary PhD, misery can come in so many different ways!). When this thing or that thing wasn’t working, at the time, it felt like I’d never manage to achieve what I had to achieve. When finally the thing in question would work, there wasn’t any time to actually be happy about it, as it would be immediately followed by the next troublesome thing that had to be fixed. Each time, I forgot about the previous struggle, all merging into one. But suddenly, out of literally nowhere, searching for a spreadsheet just to check the number of practice trials in a task, I saw all of these as an enormous and varied quantity of things that, against all odds, I have accomplished. An enormous and varied quantity of struggles that, against all odds, I have overcome. Today, I am revisiting all of these steps, all of these things that, eventually, worked out. For the very first time, looking back at my PhD, I am not seeing one big struggle, but an unbelievably long list of small victories. Honestly, it makes me feel dizzy. I’m going to enjoy the feeling for a few minutes, I know all too well that it will vanish as soon as I open this discussion section.
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I am not advising you to dedicate your life to your PhD. I did, and I wouldn’t recommend. I am advising you not to be afraid of challenge, as a PhD is your last decent chance to learn, experiment, and, yes, struggle, but with the safety net of still being a student.
All of these challenges, one day, you will see as victories and accomplishments. And you’ll be so proud of yourself for having overcome what you thought was too big for you.
Another good advice from me to you: start — writing — soon! Believe me, it’s a game changer.
I’m not out of the PhD drama yet, and given my love for writing, I still have many awful days ahead of me, but today I feel that I can do this, because I’ve gone through worse. I feel that I can do this because 2-years-ago me deserves it. And I feel that soon, 6-months-future me will be proud of us.
Sincerely,
-Bérengère
