How to be cocky without being a dick

Confidence is one of those horribly tricky things that everyone expects you to have, but no one wants you to have too much of it. It really is the Goldilocks of personal characteristics. Too little confidence and the world can walk all over you without ever giving you the opportunity to speak, too much and you’re just kind of an arrogant ass.

My environment and genetics have enabled and encouraged me to be a confident person. I’ve been called bossy and opinionated my entire life, and I’m so pleased to finally be wearing those labels as badges of honour. Too quick are we to accept other people’s criticism of ourselves. It took me a long time, and ongoing effort, to realise that I don’t actually want to waste my time worrying about whether or not people like me. I have far better things to do with my time. As do you my friend.

But where is the line? How does one become confident without being a jerk? I think that a lot of it is personal and comes down to the individual, but for the sake of the article let’s think generally.

Going with our Goldilocks metaphor let’s break it down into three steps.

Step 1: Own it

You know that horrible little voice that loiters in the back of your mind and undermines everything you do? It’s that really annoying one that stops you from speaking up, even though you have something interesting to add to the conversation. Yeah… you should ignore that voice. It’s full of lies. You do have something interesting to say. Everyone does. You work really hard and have learned a lot and what you say has merit. In academia especially, when we tend to be surrounded by a dozen or more people who are far more intelligent and advanced in their field than we are, it’s so easy to let that voice convince you to be quiet. And while I do advocate for the importance of listening (see next point) that’s not to say that you shouldn’t speak up. Even if you’re the novice in the room you still know things! You’ve worked hard to get to that room and you do have something to add and bring to the table. So step right and plant yourself at that damn table and be a part of the conversation. The worst that could happen is you have a full blown panic attack and pass out in front of a room full of peers and superiors. But a cocky person can come back from that. You can come back from that.

Step 2: Shut up and Listen

Now this is where the fine balance between confidence and arrogance comes into play. You must have the confidence to join the conversation AND the humility to know that you can’t carry both sides of it. To me, a true sign of confidence is someone who listens well and relishes in the power of silence. While you obviously have merit and value and deserve to be a part of the conversation, let’s be frank, you don’t know everything. You have a lot to learn from those around you. And there’s always going to be a benefit to shutting up and listening. There’s power in listening and there’s power in learning, and a true sign of confidence is someone who can listen and listen well. Confidence does not mean you have to be the person always speaking. It means you have confidence in your own stillness and you can stand there, listen with intention, and absorb what is happening around you.

Step 3: Be brave and be bold (and fake it if you need to)

Isn’t it lovely to read advice from someone who doesn’t know what they’re talking about? Congratulations if you’ve made it this far. It’s all fine and dandy for me to sit here and encourage you to speak up with boldness and listen with intent but, and I’m well aware of this tricky fact, it is far easier said than done. But that’s where the art of faking it comes in. I’m pretty sure that everyone has days where that little voice wins and you feel completely horrid and useless. But those are the days where it’s imperative to lean into the cockiness. The days where you feel like hiding are the days were it’s vital to stand up tall. Sometimes it will work, sometimes it won’t. But you will fool the fools because no one can hear that inner voice except you. And you have far better things to do with your time than listen to it.

So listen to Marie Curie instead:

“Life is not easy for any of us. But what of that? We must have perseverance and above all confidence in ourselves. We must believe that we are gifted for something, and that this thing, at whatever cost, must be attained.” -Marie Curie

Good luck friends.

-Sinéad